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On the Merits of Waiting Before You Hit Send

January 17, 2014 By Mike Farag Leave a Comment

There are times when I’m tempted to fire off a response to someone. I’m passionate about ideas, especially my ideas, and when someone has disagreed with me, or made a comment that I disagree with, I like to set the record straight. I’m sure I am the only one this happens to, but hear me out.

A long-time mentor of mine used tell me, more often than I care to admit to; “keep it in draft for 24hrs before you hit send”.  In fact there was a week of my life, years ago, that he made me practice this for an entire week. It was harder than you think to pull off. But it was for a good reason.

At the time, I felt like The Karate Kid doing wax on, wax off. But, what he was really teaching me relates to so many of today’s communication mediums: email, social media, even with phone calls, voicemail and text messages.

Think about it:

  • Social Media: Don’t ever forget that even though comments can be deleted later, they are forever in the internets
  • Email: That recall button doesn’t always work
  • Missed Phone calls: depending on the urgency of course
  • Voicemail: Remember that “emergency” can mean different things to different people
  • Text Messages: Make sure you have the complete message and context

There are times that responding immediately is the right move. But more times than not you will save yourself — and others — a lot of strife if you will wait before you hit send.

 

Filed Under: Advice That Matters Tagged With: Advice, Change, Do Something, Mike Farag

The Light You Need vs. The Light You Use: As Told By Soren Kierkegaard

December 23, 2013 By Mike Farag Leave a Comment

We all need light.  We need it to see, to work, to do nearly anything.  When we are in complete darkness, which really isn’t often, we accomplish far less than when we are in the light. We need it, but the question is, are we using the right light?

This parable was referenced recently, and it’s crazy how powerful and simple it is. It’s troubling to me because I see myself in both characters.

It’s really the Stars vs. the Lantern as Kierkegaard writes:

“When the prosperous man on a dark but starlit night drives comfortably in his carriage and has the lanterns lighted, aye, then he is safe, he fears no difficulty, he carries his light with him, and it is not dark close around him. But precisely because he has the lanterns lighted, and has a strong light close to him, precisely for this reason, he cannot see the stars. For his lights obscure the stars, which the poor peasant, driving without lights, can see gloriously in the dark but starry night. So those deceived ones live in the temporal existence: either, occupied with the necessities of life, they are too busy to avail themselves of the view, or in their prosperity and good days they have, as it were, lanterns lighted, and close about them everything is so satisfactory, so pleasant, so comfortable — but the view is lacking, the prospect, the view of the stars.”

How easy it is to be pulled into using some form of “light” in our lives, only to be shown how wrong it was after we give it up.  Think about it:

  • When we quit or are forced to leave a comfortable job only to find our true passion and wonder what took us so long to do that. Stars vs. Lantern
  • When we think that great marriages are only reserved for a chosen few only to find out it’s possible even for us if we choose to work at it daily. Stars vs. Lantern
  • When we are blinded by the need for cooler things only to find out that by shedding them we are actually happier. Stars vs. Lantern

I know it sounds really weighty and I can hardly believe that I’m quoting Kierkegaard, but the story was so true for me and maybe it is for you too.

We can accomplish far more with the right light.  So the question is, are you using the stars or the lantern?

Filed Under: Advice That Matters Tagged With: Advice, Change, Do Something, Mike Farag, Soren Kierkegaard

The Calamity of Communication: As Told Through Dropped Calls

December 13, 2013 By Mike Farag Leave a Comment

At some point in your life, if you own a mobile device, you have probably experienced the calamity that ensues when you try calling someone back immediately after dropping a call, and you’re sent straight to their voicemail. If not, you are to be congratulated and rewarded.

For the rest of us there is but one word that describes this experience: frustrating.

And yet we try again. Time and time, again hoping they will stop trying to call us at the same time, thereby blocking each other’s call. We keep counting on the other side to stop and our call will make it through, sometime we even wait a minute or two before resuming.

Frustration rises.

If only the mobile companies would fix this!? Don’t they know how frustrating it is for us?

Perhaps the issue isn’t entirely the phone company. Perhaps the issue is as much how we tend to communicate as the tool we choose to use. Perhaps we could do better. Perhaps it goes deeper than just making a phone call. It may even bleed into your communications with your spouse and with your colleagues.  If we asked them, what would they say?

Perhaps we should consider a few things:

  • Two people trying to do the same thing at the same time never works for the mobile companies or, come to think about it, for any of our other communications.
  • Listening completely to someone’s thoughts means that we must have some patience.  Listen, wait, and understand that there is an order of things. Consider how to engage and learn to adapt to it. Patience as we know is a virtue. And who doesn’t want virtuous conversations and communications?!

From here on out let’s take a stab at doing two things differently to address the calamity of our communications:

  • First, and perhaps most importantly join me in “fixing” the dropped call debacle. When you drop a call with someone, the person who initiated the call is responsible for calling back. The other party exerts patience for the caller to call back when they are able. Simple and virtuous.
  • Second, and perhaps the hardest for many of us to accomplish, listen completely before responding during your next conversation. On the phone or in person, take an extra minute to hear them out, then respond as normal. Hard to do but worth it.

I think both of these will serve you (and me) nicely, don’t you?

Until the mobile companies fix dropped calls, it’s really up to us to mold our communication habits to mitigate our own frustration. I believe we can do it. Perhaps it will lead to more than just better experiences after dropped calls.

It may just stop a bit of calamity and add some virtue to our communications. At a minimum our phone calls will be better. That’s a win.

Filed Under: Advice That Matters Tagged With: Advice, Change, Do Something, Mike Farag

Never Get Used to It.

October 29, 2013 By Mike Farag Leave a Comment

Never get used to the homeless man sleeping on the side of the road — no matter how many you pass.

Never get used to the poverty you see in the world — no matter how much of it you witness.

Never get used to the way your marriage is today — no matter how good (or bad) it is.

Never get used to having your family around — they are gone before you know it.

Never get used to it.

Instead, use these encounters and experiences. Use them to engage and change something for the better.

  • Say hello and offer a bag prepared for the homeless. Or at least have a conversation.
  • Engage with a nonprofit to help the world’s orphan problem, poverty, water crisis or otherwise.
  • Continue to work at your marriage.
  • Call your mom (or dad, or both).

It’s not rocket science.  If we want a different result we have to take a different action — and never get used to the current state of things.

Filed Under: Advice That Matters, Change Tagged With: Advice, Change, Do Something

Find Your Wife’s “Crosses” & Keep Your Marriage Strong

October 14, 2013 By Mike Farag Leave a Comment

What you may think isn’t important may just be the one thing that your wife needs from you. Here is a personal story that I hope helps some guy realize he’s missing something, change his actions and perhaps save his marriage.

The things you own end up owning you. It’s not just a great line from Fight Club. I’ve always cared a lot about having nice things. Nice cars. Nice clothes. A nice house. Not that these things are inherently bad things but they are just things. I cared so much about keeping them nice that sometimes I put them in front of people in my life. In hind sight, it contributed to the demise of my marriage.

The House. We built a brand new house in the burbs. Great looking. Big. Shiny and new. A pristine thing. Way bigger than we needed at the time.  It had this really cool great room with like 30 foot ceilings in the entryway, where I put some really cool leather and wood Bernhardt furniture. I was about 4 years into my marriage to my high school sweetheart and things were pretty perfect. Just the way I liked them.

The Crosses. My wife had been collecting crosses for a bit – old ones, new ones, ugly ones and very, very few cool ones. I can’t remember exactly but I think there were 25 crosses of varying sizes and shapes. Then she drops it on me; she wants to put them front and center in the great room. She didn’t make a big deal about it, she just asked for me to put them up. I avoided it. I really didn’t want them there, it would totally mess up the room. I suggested another room. We must have had this same conversation 4 or 5 times, and then we stopped talking about it. Score. I win.

The Divorce. Fast forward several months later, we were in the throws of our divorce and I was fighting to save it in any way possible. She had moved into an apartment not far from our great big (now empty) house. I asked her to dinner in hopes to throw a hail mary and spark something that just may save it, although it was really to discuss dividing things up. I even convinced her to let me pick her up like a date.

The Two by Four to the Face. When I arrived to pick her up at the apartment, my heart was pounding as I knocked on the door. When she opened it, I noticed there wasn’t much furniture or anything in the entire place… except EVERY ONE of those CROSSES had been hung on the wall. They were everywhere. Then it hit me, I had totally missed it. She wasn’t upset that I didn’t hang the crosses, it was far deeper than that. I hadn’t paid attention to her desires. I missed understanding and paying attention to what was important to her. I wondered how many “crosses” I missed in our marriage? And at that moment I knew my hail mary attempt wasn’t going to cut it. I should have been paying attention before that moment.

The Lesson. Find out what your wife’s “crosses” are. It’s also a continual process – not just one day.  She changes just like you do, as do her dreams. Find out the little things and the huge dreams she has for you, for her, for your family. Find out the things you may be glossing over because you are letting something (your house, your car,  your job, your friends, your agenda) get in the way of really hearing. I can promise you it’s worth it.

My Redemption Story. God has rebuilt this broken life and in a big way. It started with being open to His plan for me instead of my own. When I say rebuilt, it’s no lie. I left my comfy corporate job several years ago, traveled to Haiti, started a business, and then life really took a turn for the stellar. I met my wife on my 5th trip to Haiti – we are so uniquely fitted for each other it’s crazy. She’s incredible and He renews our hearts if we will just allow Him. I have learned a lot and am still learning how to do marriage better each day I take a breath.

There’s no super secret sauce here, the truth is Jesus renews. How or if we let that happen is our choice.

Filed Under: Advice That Matters, Divorce Tagged With: Advice, Change, Divorce, Do Something, Learn Something New, Mike Farag, Reflection

I AM The Problem

September 19, 2013 By Mike Farag 4 Comments

Recently, I watched the documentary I AM by Director Tom Shadyac (of Ace Ventura and Bruce Almighty). Actually, to be truthful, my wife made me watch it.

It’s inspired me in something I have been considering for a long time – to ask more questions of people on how to impact the world for the better. In fact, Tom’s overarching goal with this film is to search for answers to two questions:

  1. What’s wrong with the world, and;
  2. What we (you and I) can do about it?

Seems simple right?! Not so fast. When you really think about it (and as the documentary does a pretty good job of asking some really smart people), most of the time it’s not others that are at the root of the issue. It’s ourselves. Our fears, our selfishness, our lack of action, or sometimes even our actions.

However…

There is hope. Our connectedness to one another is key. Our innate desire to be in community and be connected has the power to root out our selfishness and make things that weren’t possible alone, possible. I think there is more to this equation. I think that the underlying reason for our connectedness is God. He put it there for a reason. I think that’s why so many people like Tom (and myself) are so unsatisfied when they reach what the world identifies as important and go searching for something more. He put in our soul the desire to be more than wealthy, to be more than our titles, to be more than famous. He put the desire for community, for impact, to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.

That’s not an accident. Alone, I am the problem. But in community (and faith)….well that’s a whole different story.

Filed Under: Advice That Matters, Change Tagged With: Advice, Change, Do Something, Mike Farag, Reflection

Listening vs. Leading: Why You Have to Do Both

September 10, 2013 By Mike Farag 1 Comment

Too many CEOs, entrepreneurs, husbands, managers and do-it-yourselfers think we have to have all the answers in order to lead.

We’re fixers. Present us with a problem and we will tell you how to fix it.  You probably don’t even have to ask us — we will volunteer the answers, because we want to help.  It validates us as a leader. We believe in order to be a leader, we need to know the answers and be in the business of fixing things. As men especially, we are drawn to the process of fixing things.

There are two issues with this line of reasoning:

  1. You probably don’t need to be fixed, just listened to.
  2. Leading is more about listening than most of us care to admit.

So what do we do with this?  How do we move from fixing leaders to leaders who, truly listens?  I’m happy to offer some “fixes” for your consideration:

  • Learn how to listen — that’s right, it takes practice like anything in our lives.
  • Try not offering solutions verbally.  Write them down and send them later.
  • Journaling — a personal journal — is a must for growing.  Write down and reflect on your specific challenges of leading and listening. (If you need a journal or idea book, send me a note and I’ll shoot you one).

Too many of us (especially men) are trying to fix things when we really need to lead…. ahem, I mean listen.

Filed Under: Advice That Matters, Change, Featured Tagged With: Advice, Change, Lead, Listening, Mike Farag, Reflection

Tough Conversations

August 23, 2013 By Mike Farag Leave a Comment

Avoiding tough conversations can keep you from growing.

It’s no surprise that most of us avoid tough conversations. They hurt. There is the potential for lasting effects. So we just put it off.

Here’s the thing — putting off a tough conversation can, in fact, keep you from healing, in the wrong job, from reconciliation and more.

Let’s not be callous here. This is not a license to just fire away. However, with the right timing and right delivery, tough conversations can help both sides grow and avoid prolonged hurting.

What do you say we try this out in our business, friendships, and marriages  — starting today.

Filed Under: Advice That Matters, Change Tagged With: Advice, Change, Do Something, Mike Farag

Living Ahead Means Losing Today

July 29, 2013 By Mike Farag Leave a Comment

When I was 25 years old, I was living more like how 45 year olds might live.

Brand new big house in the ‘burbs, two fancy cars in the drive, great job, married to my high school gal.  I even dressed the part.  Hey, you need to act as if, right?!  And I did, climbing that corporate ladder and always reaching for what was next.  I rarely was satisfied with where I was. I was always looking for the next move.

The problem was I was missing the ride. I focused so much on the future that I missed out on a lot of the present. Living ahead was causing me to lose today. I hear a lot of people talk about living in “the present” and I have to admit, it’s still really difficult for me.  I love to dream.  I don’t have a magic recipe that works and all of a sudden – boom! – you’re living contently with where you are today. But I have managed to eek out a few things that seem to help me.

  • Spend less than you make. Simple right?! You could stop here and your life would never be the same.  I’m not talking about being able to make the payments here folks, I mean own what you have.  Then you get to choose the work you do and you don’t have to do a job or extra things just to live. 
  • Journal. Something about writing things down that helps us appreciate what we have been given.
  • Quick breaks every 6 months. Taking a day to recoup and turn off the noise is crucial. I like to go for a night to Conception Abbey, or a quick night of camping.  Even late night walks around the city seem to help.

Focusing on tomorrow isn’t evil, but it can keep you from being open to what today is all about.

Filed Under: Advice That Matters, Change, Divorce Tagged With: Advice, Change, Divorce, Do Something, Learn Something New, Mike Farag

The Cost of Doing Nothing is Too High (part 2)

July 24, 2013 By Mike Farag Leave a Comment

Too many of us are working to check things off a list, working so we can get back to wasting time. Wasting time doing something meaningless is still doing nothing; it just has a different flavor. But the tide is turning – turning towards working hard to make an impact, to make a difference, to create and build.

I’m reading Blue Like Jazz. I know I’m about 10 years late on this one, but it was only $3 on Amazon. Donald Miller says this:

I believe the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. – Miller

I was under the impression that this was life until a few years ago. I mean, who doesn’t love coming home to watch Mad Men or Seinfeld reruns and just decompressing? The thing is, Candy Crush Saga doesn’t improve you in any way. When I was a kid, I loved TV so much my dad actually offered to pay me to take a month off. I wish I would have taken it. I don’t own a TV today even though Amazon Prime sneaks its way on to my iPad at times. I’m not professing not to struggle with wasting time, I’m confessing. Here are a few freakishly practical things that help me get more done:

  • Get rid of that huge TV – I know, I know. But if there are Oreos in the house, you are going to eat more Oreos than if there were none at all. If you know something will distract you, just get rid of that distraction altogether.
  • Get a good list app and make lists – I like Wunderlist, but also
    like Things and Clear (or just start by using reminders on the iPhone). Include steps towards your dreams and goals and remember impact as you make this list.
  •  Get up 30 minutes earlier – seems easy, but 30 minutes a day adds up to lots more movement. And since a body in motion stays in motion, this keeps you from wasting another minute.

Let’s not waste another minute. The wasting time, the cost of doing nothing, is too high.

Filed Under: Advice That Matters, Change, Featured Tagged With: Advice, Change, Do Something, Mike Farag

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An Ex Corporate Climber turned Entrepreneur (Founder of Fervor). An Adventure Junkie. A Reader. A Passionate Advocate for Change and Impact. Married to Kim and Coffee. On A Mission of Self Discovery...
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