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Listening vs. Leading: Why You Have to Do Both

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Too many CEOs, entrepreneurs, husbands, managers and do-it-yourselfers think we have to have all the answers in order to lead.

We’re fixers. Present us with a problem and we will tell you how to fix it.  You probably don’t even have to ask us — we will volunteer the answers, because we want to help.  It validates us as a leader. We believe in order to be a leader, we need to know the answers and be in the business of fixing things. As men especially, we are drawn to the process of fixing things.

There are two issues with this line of reasoning:

  1. You probably don’t need to be fixed, just listened to.
  2. Leading is more about listening than most of us care to admit.

So what do we do with this?  How do we move from fixing leaders to leaders who, truly listens?  I’m happy to offer some “fixes” for your consideration:

  • Learn how to listen — that’s right, it takes practice like anything in our lives.
  • Try not offering solutions verbally.  Write them down and send them later.
  • Journaling — a personal journal — is a must for growing.  Write down and reflect on your specific challenges of leading and listening. (If you need a journal or idea book, send me a note and I’ll shoot you one).

Too many of us (especially men) are trying to fix things when we really need to lead…. ahem, I mean listen.

The Cost of Doing Nothing is Too High (part 2)

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Too many of us are working to check things off a list, working so we can get back to wasting time. Wasting time doing something meaningless is still doing nothing; it just has a different flavor. But the tide is turning – turning towards working hard to make an impact, to make a difference, to create and build.

I’m reading Blue Like Jazz. I know I’m about 10 years late on this one, but it was only $3 on Amazon. Donald Miller says this:

I believe the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. – Miller

I was under the impression that this was life until a few years ago. I mean, who doesn’t love coming home to watch Mad Men or Seinfeld reruns and just decompressing? The thing is, Candy Crush Saga doesn’t improve you in any way. When I was a kid, I loved TV so much my dad actually offered to pay me to take a month off. I wish I would have taken it. I don’t own a TV today even though Amazon Prime sneaks its way on to my iPad at times. I’m not professing not to struggle with wasting time, I’m confessing. Here are a few freakishly practical things that help me get more done:

  • Get rid of that huge TV – I know, I know. But if there are Oreos in the house, you are going to eat more Oreos than if there were none at all. If you know something will distract you, just get rid of that distraction altogether.
  • Get a good list app and make lists – I like Wunderlist, but also
    like Things and Clear (or just start by using reminders on the iPhone). Include steps towards your dreams and goals and remember impact as you make this list.
  •  Get up 30 minutes earlier – seems easy, but 30 minutes a day adds up to lots more movement. And since a body in motion stays in motion, this keeps you from wasting another minute.

Let’s not waste another minute. The wasting time, the cost of doing nothing, is too high.

The Pain is in the Wrong Place (#2)

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A good friend challenged me after the earlier post commenting that; “I didn’t quite make good” on my title and teaching on how to apply the content of “The Pain is in the Wrong Place” post.

I like a good challenge and those who are courageous enough to help, make us better. So here goes…

Too often we miss out on valuable lessons because, as my dad would say, “the pain was in the wrong place”.  For a long time I didn’t know exactly what he meant by that. However, through some stories (like “The Beast”) and mishaps in my life, I’m beginning to learn it.

The pain is in the wrong place when:

…your wife feels wronged by you but won’t talk to you about it (and vice versa).

…a friend keeps the truth to themselves when they could share and heal the situation.

…students are required to buy a physical book when it could easily be delivered electronically, just because it’s what happened the previous 40 years and keeps someone employed.

…a supervisor punishes an entire team for the actions of one individual (see also Don’t Use a Shotgun).

…a small business owner who needs to grow (or hire or buy equipment) can’t because someone in government, who has never owned or operated a small business, decides the rules (insurance, taxes, business licenses, take your pick).

Having the pain in the right place is the key.  If not, then make moves to get it there.

I’m not advocating that it takes pain to learn. However, if some form of learning “pain” isn’t where it should be, no one wins (or learns).

The Pain is in the Wrong Place

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Why is it the best lessons have some modicum of “pain” associated with them?

When I was growing up my dad would routinely give me this message, and educate me on its merits.

Here’s an example: I had this orange Dodge pickup (called “The Beast”) as I entered high school.  I was only to drive to and from school or football practice.  The very first day I had it out I offered some buddies a ride home. Well, I ended up taking a dip way too fast and broke both engine mounts.  The only gear that worked was 1st gear and reverse to get me home.  My folks made me call our mechanic for a fix.  He gave me a shock with the amount to tow it in and then to fix it.  But I had to have it.

Little did I know that my dad had talked to the mechanic beforehand and made sure the fix was painful enough to remember (I found this out years later).  The pain was in the right place.  I was a budding entrepreneur (lawn business) even at an early age, so money was a big pain point. It wasn’t worth it to take any buddies home from that day on.  Had my folks chosen to simply take my car away, I doubt very much that I would have learned the same lesson.

Ensuring the pain is in the right place can be applied in much more than money situations. We just have to make sure it’s in the right place.  If it is not, then make moves to get it there.

I’m not advocating that it takes pain to learn, however if some form of learning “pain” isn’t where it should be, no one wins (or learns).

Little Brothers, Family Ties, Fear and Making the Most of Today

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Family bonds are some of the strongest many of us will experience.

Brothers and sisters, mothers and sons, husbands and wives, you name it.  Families can be our greatest source of strength or one of our greatest challenges, sometimes both.

Today my younger, but not so little, brother is moving to Hawaii.  It’s causing reflection and emotions I wasn’t expecting.  It seems like just minutes ago we became friends.  With 11 years separating us, it wasn’t until his college years — my recently divorced time — that we connected and began what I now cherish.  My family is close; I am blessed for that.

So today I realize that good family ties are rare and strong. They cause you to grow and they keep you grounded. They give you the strength to punch fear in the face when the time is right. Fear is what keeps most of us from trying anything new. From writing that book, from moving to Hawaii, from taking the test, from being generous when the person looks different.

Fear isn’t what God intended for us. But making the most of today, is. He wants families, healthily and strong. He wants courage, in our actions and our words. He wants our connection to traverse across an ocean, a country or even down the street.

Selfishly, I’d love for my little brother to hang around for me to enjoy and do life with everyday. But I know that we will do life together in new and different ways . . . beginning today.

All You Have is Your Word: Fatherly Advice to Follow

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In my family growing up, you would hear this phrase often;

“All you have is your word”

It wasn’t used as some line in a movie or for emphasis on some lecture we were getting, it was a true expectation from my dad.  He would tell us that keeping our word was as core in our family as our faith in many ways.  It showed people who we were.  You carried the family name and keeping your promises was part of carrying that name. Ensuring it was meaningful and trustworthy.

It sounds simple but it’s really not.

Think about it, people give their word for many reasons that end up scrapped; marriage vows, bank loan, a business partnership, even helping out a friend with some menial chore.   We justify the decision somehow to make it easier on ourselves but we just broke our word, our promise.

Each time we lose a little credibility and the family (or business) name is injured, sometimes irreparably.

Doing what you said you were going to do, no matter the cost, is keeping your word and all you have is your word.

 

*special thanks to my dad for all the great lessons including this one.

Give A Little, Take a Little

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Weddings are fun, such possibility.  Such hope, so much promise an inspired life.  That’s the easy part.

A long happy marriage isn’t easy.  It seems to be a rarity these days.

This past week I attended the 50th wedding anniversary of some distant family (whom I’d never met).

I asked Jack, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, a few questions about his marriage; was he happy and how can anyone else accomplish such a feat?  Having been divorced, I am acutely aware that 50 years is no small task. And 50 years of being happy isn’t a real goal.  But how to weather those years and strive for happiness is worth exploration for us all.

Jack said this; “Let God lead” and “Give a little, take a little”. I mulled this over for more and journaled about it.  Here is what I managed to pull from someone who is bucking the trends;

  1. First, we need to have faith to make it. The stats show that almost as many Christians get divorced as anyone else.  We can’t let this stand guys. However, almost is a bit better than the same but let’s strive for a wider gap.
  2. Second, it takes real working together to make it. If you are counting on your spouse to make you happy, think again.  See #1 again and if that’s still not enough ask your self this question, what did your vows say? “Better or worse”? Why is that?
  3. We have to really set practices in place to help ourselves be successful in marriage just like we do for our business/career (i.e. yearly counseling checkups, doing activities together besides watching TV, reading books together, challenging each other to be better, etc..).  It won’t happen magically.

It’s not rocket science.  It’s methodic.  It’s intentionality. Working for 50 years takes effort on our part.

I’m working to “give a little and take a little” and letting “God lead” in my own marriage.

Mike & Kim
 
 photo credit: Photos Edge

 

 

I’m Not A Peacemaker

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There are days I wish I were a peacemaker.

There are days when I manage to make peace.

Most days I am ready for battle at a moments notice, it’s right under the surface and in so many ways it’s my Achilles heel.

It is both a blessing and a curse.  I’m blessed to be passionate, to be action driven, to always be ready to engage.  However, the flip side to this coin can be damage to relationships, words said that can’t be unsaid and arguments that could have been simple discussions.

It’s getting better but it’s still there.

I am not a natural peacemaker, and I own that.

The Kid Behind the Counter

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On the way to a meeting I stopped by a local gas station to fill up and snag a drink.  Sam, the kid behind the counter, was probably 10 or 11 years old working with his dad.

Sam’s dad was coaching him on greeting customers, taking cash, credit and thanking us as we left. It was golden.

I’m not sure Sam knew how valuable a lesson he was getting behind that counter.  It reminded me of so many lessons I learned (sometimes I had no idea I was learning), at the hands of my dad.  The value of how to interact with others, handle money, open a bank account, ask for forgiveness for a job not well done.  I learned a lot behind my own “counter” with the steady hand of my dad behind me. Guiding me, coaching me, calling me out and telling me when I hit the mark.  It honed so many things that I continue to use today.

If you don’t have a “counter” for your kids to learn these things at, find one.

If you aren’t behind that “counter” with your kids, join them there.

If you still don’t have that steady hand or coach, you need to find it. Or rediscover an old steady hand.

It’s never too late to learn and hone the skills of human interaction, sometimes even manual labor or making change at a register is good for the soul.

The Power of 100 People

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It’s true: you really don’t need 10,000 or 1 million people to start. You just need 100.

100 passionate followers. In fact, you could start with 10, running for the first 100.

Think about it, you know 100 people. Combine your family with your friends.  Real friends mind you, not the 1300 people you may or may not really know that you call Facebook friends.  If you were passionate about starting something it only take 10 advocates and a run to the first 100 people to get something worthwhile rolling.

Jon Acuff talks about it in his book Start.

I told 100 friends about the site and started writing goofy paragraphs. On the eighth day of existence, 4,000 people from around the world showed up to read it. Turns out the 100 friends had passed the URL to 100 friends who had passed the URL to 100 friends who eventually told people in Singapore to read it.” (It’s now read by 4.5 million people. Just saying.)

Seth Godin on his blog and in several of his books:

I think the ability to find and organize 1,000 people is a breakthrough opportunity. One thousand people coordinating their actions is enough to change your world (and make a living.)

I’ve seen it first hand with many clients (churches, startups, businesses).  So many times they forget about the first 10 and run to 100 in lieu of the thousands of millions they want to serve.  You know, the BIG numbers. Oops. When it doesn’t work, they wonder what went wrong.

They missed the first 10 and run to 100 and sold out for something too hard to attain. There is power in passionate advocates; businesses and movements are built on it.

Even Jesus started with 12. Arguably, he has a lot more followers than that today. Worked for Him, I am betting it will work for the rest of us.

 

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