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The Head and the Heart: Three Things I Learned About How to Manage the Two.

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We think with our heads more than our hearts these days.

Lots of us know the head part of life; how to ask a girl on a date, how to write an email, how to manage cash flow (well not all of us), how to code….

Less of us know the heart side;  how to stand in the face of adversity, how to weather a personal storm, to love despite being wronged, how to communicate well with our loved ones…

  1. I’ve learned that the head wins more because it’s my voice, the only way to hear the heart more is to change locations; bike ride, walk, patio
  2. I’ve learned that I don’t need a five-step program to follow, just a few trusted friends who have permission to call me out regularly
  3. I’ve learned that it’s easier to balance the head and heart when I am journaling and reading my Bible regularly

To be sure, we need both the head and the heart. But if we were going to lean one way…lean with the heart.

The Collision of Brokenness

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I spent last weekend leading a trip to Haiti for one of my favorite nonprofit organizations, The Global Orphan Project.

What I witnessed there this trip was freakishly amazing, I mean that.

Let me set the stage a bit for you.  We were taking a group of “struggling” teens from a therapeutic boarding school to Haiti.  We had over 20 kids ranging from 15-18 years old along with some staff to help them while we were there. These kids aren’t your run of the mill kids.  They’ve experienced brokeness in some profound ways. On this trip for instance we had more than one rape victim, some addicted to drugs, two young men had lost their dads, one of which to suicide.

They look just like the kids going to your kids school, but they are broken.  Shelterwood is putting them back together with care and Christ. So why take them to Haiti you ask?  I did too.  Seems pretty risky.  I mean you are taking kids who sometimes struggle to function in a regular school because of their behavior and you are going to send them to Haiti?!!  Why?

Because when broken kids meet kids who were once more broken but redeemed by Jesus, magic happens.

We can all debate a bit of what it means to be broken and how that effects our world view but the fact is in some way or at some point we are experience brokenness.

The CEO of this school is doing nothing less than risking it all for the sake of the souls of the children in his care.  Think about it, what do you think would happen if something happened to one of these kids on a trip?  Lawsuits galore, press onslaught.  You bet, all calling for an end to this lunacy.  But instead, he leans in.  In his words, “our trips to Haiti are one of the best therapeutic tools we have in our bag because they encounter Jesus”.

That’s the collision.  Jesus shows up in the middle of that meeting. The orphaned children we interact with on the trip are cared for by the local church, that’s how GO Project works.  It’s transforming lives through orphan care and prevention.  Transformed lives on both sides of this equation.

When we left Kansas City one of the kids had asked the CEO to baptize her off the coast of Haiti; however by the time we made it to the beach 13 kids were ready to do the same.  Thirteen who left KC broken, were healed and baptized.  Freakishly amazing.  It’s hard to tell when the shift happened, it was like a swell of positivity.  It was amazing to just be there, watching it.

I really didn’t just spend last weekend in Haiti, I spent it seeing a small glimpse of what the power of Jesus can do.  I was a bystander to real leadership and all the others who serve. I was in the stands cheering as Jesus showed up in the lives of these kids.

We all experience brokenness to some degree or another, we are all in need of colliding with Jesus to truly heal. Sometimes that means encountering him in strange places, like Haiti to do so.

When broken worlds collide, magic happens. I can only hope to be a part of that more often.

 

Find Your Wife’s “Crosses” & Keep Your Marriage Strong

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What you may think isn’t important may just be the one thing that your wife needs from you. Here is a personal story that I hope helps some guy realize he’s missing something, change his actions and perhaps save his marriage.

The things you own end up owning you. It’s not just a great line from Fight Club. I’ve always cared a lot about having nice things. Nice cars. Nice clothes. A nice house. Not that these things are inherently bad things but they are just things. I cared so much about keeping them nice that sometimes I put them in front of people in my life. In hind sight, it contributed to the demise of my marriage.

The House. We built a brand new house in the burbs. Great looking. Big. Shiny and new. A pristine thing. Way bigger than we needed at the time.  It had this really cool great room with like 30 foot ceilings in the entryway, where I put some really cool leather and wood Bernhardt furniture. I was about 4 years into my marriage to my high school sweetheart and things were pretty perfect. Just the way I liked them.

The Crosses. My wife had been collecting crosses for a bit – old ones, new ones, ugly ones and very, very few cool ones. I can’t remember exactly but I think there were 25 crosses of varying sizes and shapes. Then she drops it on me; she wants to put them front and center in the great room. She didn’t make a big deal about it, she just asked for me to put them up. I avoided it. I really didn’t want them there, it would totally mess up the room. I suggested another room. We must have had this same conversation 4 or 5 times, and then we stopped talking about it. Score. I win.

The Divorce. Fast forward several months later, we were in the throws of our divorce and I was fighting to save it in any way possible. She had moved into an apartment not far from our great big (now empty) house. I asked her to dinner in hopes to throw a hail mary and spark something that just may save it, although it was really to discuss dividing things up. I even convinced her to let me pick her up like a date.

The Two by Four to the Face. When I arrived to pick her up at the apartment, my heart was pounding as I knocked on the door. When she opened it, I noticed there wasn’t much furniture or anything in the entire place… except EVERY ONE of those CROSSES had been hung on the wall. They were everywhere. Then it hit me, I had totally missed it. She wasn’t upset that I didn’t hang the crosses, it was far deeper than that. I hadn’t paid attention to her desires. I missed understanding and paying attention to what was important to her. I wondered how many “crosses” I missed in our marriage? And at that moment I knew my hail mary attempt wasn’t going to cut it. I should have been paying attention before that moment.

The Lesson. Find out what your wife’s “crosses” are. It’s also a continual process – not just one day.  She changes just like you do, as do her dreams. Find out the little things and the huge dreams she has for you, for her, for your family. Find out the things you may be glossing over because you are letting something (your house, your car,  your job, your friends, your agenda) get in the way of really hearing. I can promise you it’s worth it.

My Redemption Story. God has rebuilt this broken life and in a big way. It started with being open to His plan for me instead of my own. When I say rebuilt, it’s no lie. I left my comfy corporate job several years ago, traveled to Haiti, started a business, and then life really took a turn for the stellar. I met my wife on my 5th trip to Haiti – we are so uniquely fitted for each other it’s crazy. She’s incredible and He renews our hearts if we will just allow Him. I have learned a lot and am still learning how to do marriage better each day I take a breath.

There’s no super secret sauce here, the truth is Jesus renews. How or if we let that happen is our choice.

I AM The Problem

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Recently, I watched the documentary I AM by Director Tom Shadyac (of Ace Ventura and Bruce Almighty). Actually, to be truthful, my wife made me watch it.

It’s inspired me in something I have been considering for a long time – to ask more questions of people on how to impact the world for the better. In fact, Tom’s overarching goal with this film is to search for answers to two questions:

  1. What’s wrong with the world, and;
  2. What we (you and I) can do about it?

Seems simple right?! Not so fast. When you really think about it (and as the documentary does a pretty good job of asking some really smart people), most of the time it’s not others that are at the root of the issue. It’s ourselves. Our fears, our selfishness, our lack of action, or sometimes even our actions.

However…

There is hope. Our connectedness to one another is key. Our innate desire to be in community and be connected has the power to root out our selfishness and make things that weren’t possible alone, possible. I think there is more to this equation. I think that the underlying reason for our connectedness is God. He put it there for a reason. I think that’s why so many people like Tom (and myself) are so unsatisfied when they reach what the world identifies as important and go searching for something more. He put in our soul the desire to be more than wealthy, to be more than our titles, to be more than famous. He put the desire for community, for impact, to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.

That’s not an accident. Alone, I am the problem. But in community (and faith)….well that’s a whole different story.

Listening vs. Leading: Why You Have to Do Both

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Too many CEOs, entrepreneurs, husbands, managers and do-it-yourselfers think we have to have all the answers in order to lead.

We’re fixers. Present us with a problem and we will tell you how to fix it.  You probably don’t even have to ask us — we will volunteer the answers, because we want to help.  It validates us as a leader. We believe in order to be a leader, we need to know the answers and be in the business of fixing things. As men especially, we are drawn to the process of fixing things.

There are two issues with this line of reasoning:

  1. You probably don’t need to be fixed, just listened to.
  2. Leading is more about listening than most of us care to admit.

So what do we do with this?  How do we move from fixing leaders to leaders who, truly listens?  I’m happy to offer some “fixes” for your consideration:

  • Learn how to listen — that’s right, it takes practice like anything in our lives.
  • Try not offering solutions verbally.  Write them down and send them later.
  • Journaling — a personal journal — is a must for growing.  Write down and reflect on your specific challenges of leading and listening. (If you need a journal or idea book, send me a note and I’ll shoot you one).

Too many of us (especially men) are trying to fix things when we really need to lead…. ahem, I mean listen.

On Surviving Divorce “Successfully”

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I often get asked, “How did you survive your divorce? You seem to really be happy now.”

One friend even confided in me years after my divorce, “I like you a lot more now.”

The answer is pretty simple:

I finally started relying on Christ more than I relied on myself – at least most days.

It didn’t happen overnight, however there’s something powerful about hitting your knees and really asking for Him to lead you. He will do it. It’s crazy.

We can argue about what it means to “survive” or what it means to be “happy”. All I can tell you is that when I began to listen, He began to provide – a whole new career, true healing, time, renewed passion for life, a perfect woman. Sounds good right?! Trust me I couldn’t have planned this.

To be sure, there are still times when the scars resurface. Most of the time it’s when I begin to add too much of me and not enough of God in my life; when I read the Word less; when I am off on my own thing. That’s when it’s the most difficult.

Come to think of it, this is true no matter if you are divorced or not. It just happens to be my story.

One thing that I would like to add about getting through a divorce is that if you are in the process of planning to get married, you might want to consider researching whether a prenuptial agreement might be right for you. One of my friends is currently in the early stages of getting a divorce, and although he is of course sad that his marriage has come to an end, taking out a prenuptial agreement has made the process of dividing his assets with his former wife so much easier.

Put simply, a prenuptial agreement is a document that couples can choose to sign before they get married. In short, this document outlines how property and assets should be divided if the relationship ends in divorce. A prenup can include anything from cash sums to intellectual property rights and shares. You can learn more about the benefits of putting a prenup in place by contacting a team of Los Angeles prenup attorneys or a team of family law specialists in your area.

Have you ever been through a divorce? If so, feel free to share your story below. Getting a divorce is not always going to be easy, but it is important to remember that you do not need to suffer in silence.

The Pain is in the Wrong Place

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Why is it the best lessons have some modicum of “pain” associated with them?

When I was growing up my dad would routinely give me this message, and educate me on its merits.

Here’s an example: I had this orange Dodge pickup (called “The Beast”) as I entered high school.  I was only to drive to and from school or football practice.  The very first day I had it out I offered some buddies a ride home. Well, I ended up taking a dip way too fast and broke both engine mounts.  The only gear that worked was 1st gear and reverse to get me home.  My folks made me call our mechanic for a fix.  He gave me a shock with the amount to tow it in and then to fix it.  But I had to have it.

Little did I know that my dad had talked to the mechanic beforehand and made sure the fix was painful enough to remember (I found this out years later).  The pain was in the right place.  I was a budding entrepreneur (lawn business) even at an early age, so money was a big pain point. It wasn’t worth it to take any buddies home from that day on.  Had my folks chosen to simply take my car away, I doubt very much that I would have learned the same lesson.

Ensuring the pain is in the right place can be applied in much more than money situations. We just have to make sure it’s in the right place.  If it is not, then make moves to get it there.

I’m not advocating that it takes pain to learn, however if some form of learning “pain” isn’t where it should be, no one wins (or learns).

Little Brothers, Family Ties, Fear and Making the Most of Today

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Family bonds are some of the strongest many of us will experience.

Brothers and sisters, mothers and sons, husbands and wives, you name it.  Families can be our greatest source of strength or one of our greatest challenges, sometimes both.

Today my younger, but not so little, brother is moving to Hawaii.  It’s causing reflection and emotions I wasn’t expecting.  It seems like just minutes ago we became friends.  With 11 years separating us, it wasn’t until his college years — my recently divorced time — that we connected and began what I now cherish.  My family is close; I am blessed for that.

So today I realize that good family ties are rare and strong. They cause you to grow and they keep you grounded. They give you the strength to punch fear in the face when the time is right. Fear is what keeps most of us from trying anything new. From writing that book, from moving to Hawaii, from taking the test, from being generous when the person looks different.

Fear isn’t what God intended for us. But making the most of today, is. He wants families, healthily and strong. He wants courage, in our actions and our words. He wants our connection to traverse across an ocean, a country or even down the street.

Selfishly, I’d love for my little brother to hang around for me to enjoy and do life with everyday. But I know that we will do life together in new and different ways . . . beginning today.

All You Have is Your Word: Fatherly Advice to Follow

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In my family growing up, you would hear this phrase often;

“All you have is your word”

It wasn’t used as some line in a movie or for emphasis on some lecture we were getting, it was a true expectation from my dad.  He would tell us that keeping our word was as core in our family as our faith in many ways.  It showed people who we were.  You carried the family name and keeping your promises was part of carrying that name. Ensuring it was meaningful and trustworthy.

It sounds simple but it’s really not.

Think about it, people give their word for many reasons that end up scrapped; marriage vows, bank loan, a business partnership, even helping out a friend with some menial chore.   We justify the decision somehow to make it easier on ourselves but we just broke our word, our promise.

Each time we lose a little credibility and the family (or business) name is injured, sometimes irreparably.

Doing what you said you were going to do, no matter the cost, is keeping your word and all you have is your word.

 

*special thanks to my dad for all the great lessons including this one.

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